I like tacos. No, you don’t understand. I mean I really, really, REALLY fucking like to eat tacos. I always stop by Mighty Taco at work, and Val and I eat at Taco Bell often. I also make tacos at home all the time, too.
So I was surprised as you when I found a package of taco seasoning that expired in 2004 on top of my fridge. Yes, on top, where only I can see, right next to the old newspapers and the tupperware containers I keep forgetting to return to my mom. The photo on the packet is clearly from 20 years ago. Nothing made in this millenium looks anything like that. If there is such a thing as an ’80s Taco, this is it.
I know it’s hard to see, but check out the expiration date:
Yep, that really says “BEST BY 01 07 04.” I didn’t buy this. Val didn’t buy this. We moved into our current place in December ‘05 so it didn’t come with the house. I’m not exactly sure where this seasoning came from or how it got on top of the fridge. Taco spice fairy? All I know is that it had to be eaten.
What kind of meat goes best with expired taco seasoning? Cookbooks were no help and this is a topic too taboo for TV cooking shows, so I had to wing it. I scoped out the freezer situation and I found a freezer-burned package of ground chicken I got on clearance for $.70 a while back. Yes, this would be perfect.
I did the best I could to thaw the freezer-burned meat. It looked pretty bleak, but I had to soldier on. Following the packet’s instructions, I pan-cooked the meat with the seasoning. The spices were clumped together and I really had to beat the crap out of it to revert it back into powder form. It passed the smell test, but it didn’t exactly look like the most appealing tacos I had ever cooked:
Ick. I learned in grammar school that tacos were fer eatin’, not fer lookin’ at, so I finished cooking despite all common sense. By this time, I noticed that I didn’t have any taco shells, so I had to use enormous burrito wraps instead. I heated up the shells and tossed in some of the probably rancid seasoned meat, cheese, sour cream, taco sauce, and tabasco sauce. This is what the final product looked like:
Now was the moment of truth. I closed my eyes and took a big bite. All shell and sour cream. Dammit. Another bite. I was fully into the meat section this time….. Hey, this isn’t rancid at all! It’s pretty okay! This just goes to show you the amazing power of the taco. Nothing can make tacos bad. Not even years of decay and improper freezer storage.
I ate a couple tacos but something was still missing. I had an urge to eat something salty, yet full of hip-hop flava. It’s a good thing I picked up some Rap Snacks on the way home.
It was either this or the Jeff Foxworthy beef jerky.
Now that I had some Ol’ Dirty Bastard sponsored chips, I knew I’d be full for at least another hour or so. The package referred to ODB as being alive and recording a new album, which is strange since he’s, you know, kind of dead. He can still crisp a good potato though!
